Tuesday, 9 March 2010

On second thoughts.....

Ooh, on reflection, yesterday's blog felt a little bit personal.

"Who wants to read about my monthly cycle?" the voice in my head demanded to know this morning. "What do you think you're doing - better to just keep it to yourself.." it went on.

Ordinarily thoughts like these would have me retreating into my hollow, keeping my head down, and feeling all churned up inside like I'm over-stepping the mark and I should just keep quiet. It might even force me to hide what I've written from the possibility of public scrutiny - maybe even delete my last entry. And then I'd start to feel all disappointed, that I haven't put myself across in the way I'd like to, and that I've missed an opportunity. "Doh" the voice inside my head would say. Can't win.

However, this morning, I remembered that I'm on day 17 of my cycle. I've gone over the hump as it were. Oestrogen levels are starting to dip, progesterone is on the ascendency. The certainty and purposefulness of the last couple of weeks, when oestrogen and testosterone were on the rise, have worn off; now is a time ripe for reflection and second thoughts.

Having second thoughts has got such negative connotations. Getting cold feet, crying wolf, and losing heart are all phrases associated with those occasions when we momentarily stop to check ourselves. The trouble is in many cases the checking isn't just momentary. Instead the checking destroys the action.

This is due in part to our personal lack of self-confidence, which may in itself come from a lack of understanding about ourselves. It may also be due to the cultural aversion we have to making u-turns, not seeing things through, not being completer-finishers, or simply changing our minds.

Our culture demands decisiveness. It craves ambition and accomplishment at a fast testosterone-fuelled pace. This is a very male perspective on the world.

If on the other hand we understand that reflectiveness is a vital part of the success equation, and that as women we are biologically predisposed to it during the course of our cycle, it becomes something to celebrate rather than to fear. Armed with this understanding and awareness we can do something positive in response to what we are experiencing,rather than ignore it or, what's worse, allow it to morph into inner sabotage.

So, here I am in reflective mode. As a result I've written 2 blog entries in a 24 hour period - heretofore unprecedented; have a new idea for a short story, and oodles of other thoughts about reworking existing stories; a idea for a novel; and have outlined my talk on hypocrisy for the Philosophical Society in April.

This time of second thoughts definitely has a different feel about it - a bit more dreamy, a bit less multi-tasking and list-ticking, AND it is still in its own way just as productive.

On second thoughts, I'll carry on anyway.

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