Learning to say sorry

Knowing how to give and receive apology is something I feel increasingly strongly about. What I have discovered is that to be able to give an apology which is sincere and meaningful we need to have a heightened awareness of our own state of mind, and of that of others. We need to be able to put ourselves in others' shoes, and truly attempt to see things from others' perspectives. If we don't do this then we will continually be trapped within our own outlook, continually justifying our own behaviour, to the detriment of others, and becoming increasingly isolated and ugly.

It is particularly important to show our children how to apologise. The only way to do this is to apologise to them whenever we have done something about which we feel sorry. Keeping in mind what we are teaching our children in every moment by our actions provides the measure against which we can judge whether or not an apology is necessary. For example, if I want my son to learn how to deal with bad temper in a positive way, but my own way of dealing with bad temper is to storm about the place slamming doors and yelling a lot, maybe I'm not providing him with the most desireable role model. So, I heighten my awareness of my own behaviour, reconsider it, identify an alternative way of behaving, then I say to my son, "I'm sorry for... It was wrong to ... Next time I will..."

Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes all the time. We are always going to disagree about things. But if we can all agree that we can help each other by knowing how to give and receive apology in a reliable way then we can proceed with greater confidence and self-assurance.

If we never get used to hearing sincere apologies from others, then it becomes impossible for us to learn how to receive apologies when they are made with good intent. Just saying "thankyou" is the simplest way of accepting someone's apology, but we are frequently tempted to demand further contrition, further compensation for the personal slight we have suffered by another's behaviour. We might even be tempted to dismiss the humility of the person making the apology by mocking them, or by going on about how they must never do what they did again. This is extremely ungracious and is like picking a freshly healed scab, just to have it bleed again and possibly become infected. It is a dangerous way to behave.

I once had cross words with a teacher at my son's school. I felt very indignant and said some things in front of my son which were rather uncalled for. Later I felt ashamed. The only thing I could think of doing was going into school and apologising in person to the teacher. I also apolgised to my son. Unfortunately the teacher I wanted to speak to wasn't there when I went in, so I had to leave my apology by way of a message with the school receptionist. This lady was amazed, expressed deep gratitude on behalf of the absent teacher, and said there were not many people who would be big enough to apologise. The following day I bumped into the teacher in the supermarket, so I did get my chance to apologise in person. And the best way to give and receive an apology? With a hug.